1. Stop faking your fucking orgasms. Society already tells young men that they run the fucking universe - if they can’t turn your cunt into a shooting star then for god’s sake, let them know about it.
2. Once you’ve stopped faking your fucking orgasms, use this newfound honesty throughout the rest of your life - stop ordering coffee you don’t actually like; stop sitting at a desk and allowing people to treat you like shit in the hopes that a meek attitude will earn you a promotion (it won’t); stop telling people they can finish your food when you’re not actually done yet. These may seem petty, but they add up, just like every orgasm you didn’t actually get to have.
3. If you wanna dance all night, dance all fucking night. Dance all night even if you have work in the morning. The worst that will happen is you’ll drink RedBull all day and look like a zombie - pass it off as a head cold to the real zombies you work with and flick through the embarrassing photos you’re being tagged in as you pretend to take a shit for some peace and quiet. I promise, you’ll remember dancing all night in ten years, not the suspicious way your boss looked at you that morning.
4. If your ass looks big in that, that’s a good thing.
5. You will never be as young as you are this second. Embrace it.
6. Embrace the fact that you’re going to get older. Ask your boyfriend if he will still love you when you’re seventy and your tits are down to your knees. Look forward to this time - seventy year old women are allowed to do pretty much whatever they want, and no-one can stop them. You can carry candy in your bag and not share it with a single soul. You can stay home all day and cross-stitch expletives onto handkerchiefs for your grandchildren and slip them under the table out of sight of the people you raised. You can drink whisky at 10am. Every phase of your life is going to be amazing for different reasons. Embrace that.
7. A lot of people will pretend to love Bukowski. Don’t pretend to love Bukowski if you don’t love Bukowski. It’s overplayed and no-one will mind if you actually like Virginia Andrews instead - the people who do mind are boring.
We’re packing and moving again. It’s stressful. I’m practically eating everything that’s not nailed down. I got homework to do on top of everything. I can’t make any promises about what my grades are going to look like because I honestly don’t have the energy to put into some stupid paper when securing a place to lay my/our head is the thing. Not to mention the fact that I’ve been working 6 days a week for the last couple weeks.
Fortunately, the boy and the wife are napping so there is some for real stillness in this hurricane of a life we seem to have going on here.
For those of you that don’t know… I have a series of food allergies. The scariest one to me is my shellfish allergy. If you eat it, don’t kiss me. If I can smell it there is a good chance that I will need to leave the room. Sometimes, though, it can sneak up on me.
One of my coworkers was eating some skrimps and pasta at the table I was at. I didn’t see it or smell it so I didn’t know it was a thing. Until my throat started itching and my breathing became labored. So someone offers me some benadryl and I had an inhaler at my desk so I was thinking.. caught it in time. Until after about 30 secs my breathing felt more shallow at which point I started to panic.
Time for the eppipen.
Which meant I had to leave work about 8 hours before I wanted to and that. sucked. We’re trying to move and we got expenses n whatnot that need to be covered. And since we rode in together, we both had to leave and that is like.. money that we need that we don’t have cuz I got sick. It sounds stupid to put it like that but when you got family who needs stuff and bills to pay and all that stuff… it sucks.
Alhamdulillah though. Came home and crashed. Slept like 5 hours which is why I’m still up @ 1am. But I am alive and breathing and I live to fight another day.
So it looks like I’ll have a few hours of overtime to play with on this next paycheck but the one after that I’m intending to truly make that happen. Birthday check and all that it is.
I have killer cramps right now. Alls I wanna do is eat ice cream and chocolate and pizza and whatever else I don’t need to eat. Nothing new there. I need to drink more water. I found a wine that I love. I love being married and the fact that we’re looking to move soon.
end of the month soon.
I love that too.
I need to go to bed but i’m really irritated and aggravated. Cuz. Because I’m really irritated and aggravated.
I feel like I’m spread too thin. Maybe I need to just set a schedule so I don’t feel overwhelmed. Yeah. I can do that. in the meantime, don’t try to make sense of this post. All it means is that this is day 1 of my next cycle and I want chocolate and sex and peach water and roasted sea weed.
now I feel like I’ma be sick.
Come on, Friday. Bring it.
sometimes the best thing you can do is nothing.
other times the best nothing you can do is something.
tonight my nothing is something so maybe i can dream peaceful dreams and rest while asleep.
right now though.
my brain is running.
thoughts. won’t. stop.
so many people are hurting. so many hearts are broken.
may I practice radical kindness to myself and to others.
Tomorrow starts our first full work week since the wedding.
Pray for us, y’all.
For those of us who are rainbow identified, we are painfully aware of the fact that being queer or trans or gay or bi or a or inter… this does not exclude us from having to contend with the rollercoaster ride that is iman. The prophet Muhammad, PBUH, said that faith goes up and down. There are references in the Qur’an to things that will increase and decrease faith. There are countless books, stories, and khutbah about ways to improve our iman.
Even though this is something that all faith-havers have to deal with, it is especially difficult for LGBTQ* Muslims because if we turn to other Muslims that we trust to discuss faith and spiritual issues, we can be completely destroyed when the suggestion is to NOT be the way Allah made us.
I am a queer femme. I am also Muslim. And when I tried to have a conversation about personal issues with salaat, it was suggested to me that I leave my wife. My sexuality was mentioned as the quick fix for the problem. And to be completely honest, this was the last time I opened up to non-queer Muslims about how I was feeling.
I am, alhamdulillah, part of a queer Muslim community of people I can talk to and share with now. And fortunately, I have access to uplifting literature by some of the female Islamic scholars whose writing has really done wonders to help me through the open challenge to the patriarchal, heteronormative standards for the way we come to know and understand Islam, and Islamic knowledge.
"Reading the Signs" by Dr. Rabia T. Harris is the specific essay that has filled my heart up and done wonders to help increase my iman. This essay is in a book called "Windows of Faith" edited by Gisela Webb. If you can get your hands on it, do so. There are several works in this book that have helped me feel like I was not going crazy when I thought that it would be possible for me to be queer and Muslim.
And so with that, I’m starting to feel.. to really get why it was so important and so perfect for Allah to use “READ” as the very first command to Prophet Muhammad (SAWS)…and to us. Because it has been through reading that I was inspired to go to Jumu’ah.
In spite of the fact that I hadn’t gone in months.
In spite of the fact that the documentary I’m in is showing at several places in the country.
In spite of the fact that there are people in a community that I am no longer in community with.
There is a space for me to grow in Islam. There is a space for me to manifest my Islam in my life in a way that works best for me. And one of those ways is for me to pray the prayer of Muhammad SAWS. That prayer is the one that I’m working to establish 5 or more times a day. That prayer is the one that I like to breathe through and feel the benefits of each pose it contains. I especially like to pray when no one is around. When I’m not being rushed or dealing with the hustle and bustle of the day.
InshaAllah, I will continue to make strides in that area. InshaAllah, you will, too. May Allah make it so.